I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
