Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
