ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
