what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
