JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
