oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
