Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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