Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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