it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
