He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Bang-toberfest begins!!
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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