so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
