We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
