saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
don't judge my taste in strippers
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
