Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
you inspire me to be a worse person
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
