If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
