Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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