Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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