i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
