I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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