I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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