You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
