cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
