hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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