I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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