What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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