Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
