What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
