seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
