Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
