oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
