you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
