I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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