ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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