totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
