I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I forget how to act sober
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
