I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
