the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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