the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
