can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
