The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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