he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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