I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
