Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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