She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
