I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
