I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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