Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
whose ass print is on the piano?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
