K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
