good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
