Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Did you just see the Batmobile???
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
