There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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