dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
