I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
