hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
