I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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