I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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