last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
