Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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